Today I have decided to uncover the everyday version of myself, and simply speak about who I primitively am.
Here I may become angry, I can be emotional or cry often, indeed I am a slow learner, plus I have severe depression. This condition has embedded me on medication for 4 long years now. It all started when I used to be fairly bullied in my childhood for being massive introvert and not having any friends until I was 22. Then I met my first set of friends. And I am super happy that I still have them as my ONLY close friends along with other friends. Now I have a huge friend circle by the way ☺.
So I was doing OKAY until this level of discomfort at the pay of self love, care, self esteem and all sorts of compassion towards myself.
But I really could not just those successive sexual abuses I was committed to from the age of seven.
They were five BIG EVENTS, that have compelled me into complete darkness and utter shock. I tried killing myself three times, been in denial mode to take medicines.
The journey to practice Atrayee Basu 1.1 started in 2018, while I was completely broken, shattered, constantly transforming and working on myself just to survive. This was during my stay in the UK pursuing my MSc Space Exploration Systems. I would see the flashbacks of those incidents, not eat, not sleep at all and I completely lost myself.
I denied to identify my scary version, I was hating my timid soul, thrashing it against the wall every single moment. Not a good feeling at all to not love yourself. You look ugly, feel ugly, smile ugly. It’s the ugliest form of existing.
And I returned back to India just when this covid era happened. Visited doctor, started writing down journals, eat and sleep properly, spend more time with books, revisited my hobbies (almost didn't touch my world of hobbies for last the then two years).
I was feeding, educating myself more INSIGHT, was knowing the condition, how to SEE it coming, how to handle when it would strike, how to express, observe and many tiny elements of depression.
Within half a year I was able to rebuild a new, completely new butterfly version of myself. I was happy, most importantly I could define what’s happening with me, I could see it coming, handle it so maturely. I started painting, practicing mind exercises, meditating, produced creative and useful projects for myself.
I founded my own company with careful baby steps. Now have bigtime dream associated with it. It’s growing.
28-year long battle is still on but with the use of powerful weapons of educating mind and practiced control tricks it’s fully under my domination. I can clearly notice the triggers and permeate it along a different route.
My next stop is to apply for my PhD.
Hoping to gift myself a super 40 after 5 years. Cheers to myself.
Those who will read this last line, get a virtual hug from me as this MEANS A LOT TO ME!!!